Carrasco Psychological Health Services

First, for many individuals, dealing with abuse may be a process involving considerable personal change. They are going through this internal process of trying to understand, cope, and accept the reality of the situation. The process of dealing with abuse is not straightforward but instead may be lengthy and difficult. People can tend to go back and forth on what to do.

One major step is having additional support form others who are safe and supportive. These individuals may involve trusted family or friends. However, they may also involve mental health professionals or other organizations that provide resources for people in abusive relationships. These resources are not only for providing shelter but can also provide consultation on seeking out legal help if necessary. They can also provide some information on the steps to leaving an abusive relationship. Ultimately, domestic violence lines are more equipped for those specific steps. This is the national number 800-799-7233.

In regards to trauma recovery, there are some themes that have helped individuals recover from the trauma of abusive relationships and/or leave abusive relationships. One major theme is the victim taking on more of a sense of empowerment. For example, people who leave abusive relationships may have to start viewing themselves as having some control in this relationship. They do not control actions of the other person but they can control their own actions. This sense of empowerment is very important since the abuser may try different tactics to keep the victim in the relationship. It makes sense for you to feel they way you do currently because of the things you have been through. However, it can be even more important to begin recognizing yourself as strong, capable, and independent. You are not getting these affirmations from him so you really need to recognize this for yourself.

A common response is “when this happens, I will leave.” I am not always comfortable with this approach and many individuals do seem to endure a large amount of abuse before the main trigger happens that causes them to leave. My approach in therapy is to help individuals identify their boundaries in relationships and how this relates back to their own values. In therapy we begin practicing communicating those boundaries to others or the actions to take once the boundary is crossed. For example, many people feel like they will not leave the relationship until their partner cheats on them. Thus, I will go over in therapy about establishing this as a boundary and the actions they will take to leave the relationship. Ultimately, it seems to work for people. I also extend this into recovering from trauma. We can continue to discuss boundary setting as a way to not allow to be taken advantage of in relationships again.

The therapy process can be very important in the recovery because it allows you to process some of the events that happened in the relationship. Many individuals leaving abusive relationships can develop certain beliefs about themselves or about others that are not so helpful. Therapy can help in deconstructing some negative thought patterns. It could be very beneficial for you especially to develop a better sense of self after enduring this abuse.