This can be a difficult topic to discuss and work on. I think you are doing a great job by starting the process of recognizing some concerns and wanting to have a healthy sex life. My experience comes mainly from working with victims of sexual abuse for a few years now in different settings. The severity, age range and gender have differed quite a bit in the cases I have worked in. The things you are experiencing are not uncommon for those who have experienced sexaul assault.
First, it is important to recognize that what you are experiencing could a mental health issues known as Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) (I apologize if you are already working with a therapist and are aware of this but do not want to make too many assumptions). Sexual abuse or assault is a risk factor for psychopathology such as post-traumatic stress disorder or depression. The impact of sexual assault does not affect everyone the same. For example, some people may be able to recover quickly from the sexual assault and not struggle with their sex lives. There are some factors that can lead to you struggling with more symptoms. For example, sexually abused children are usually less able to regulate their emotions than children who were not, which can create more elevated symptoms. It may also be helpful to know that that more severe abuses predict more avoidance of internal experiences, which in turn was associated with greater distress. Thus, PTSD is an issue of avoidance. In your case, the more you avoid intimacy with another person, the more likely your issues will not resolve. The old saying of “things will get better with time” does not necessarily apply here for you. In your case, you may need to take a more active approach to getting better.
One possible step to do on your own will be to begin mindfulness exercises. Mindfulness exercise is a form of stress reduction and meditation. It focuses on increasing one’s ability to be mindfully aware of thoughts and emotions and accepting of them. Thus, the idea is you allow those uncomfortable things to show and not fight them. You stop the avoidance. By practicing mindfulness exercises you will decrease your emotional reaction and worry about sexual intercourse. At the same time, you will build some more self-compassion and awareness about it. I attached a link to a short guided meditation specific to what you are experiencing. This can be a good start to help you be more present and address some of the concerns with intimacy. However, this is only one piece to getting better and will likely not resolve the issue completely.
Based on the information you shared, it sounds like you experienced more than one instance of sexual assault. This does not mean you cannot get better but I would recommend some form of therapy that is specific to PTSD. Some forms of therapy I have used before are prolonged exposure therapy and cognitive processing therapy. These types of therapies have been used for victims of sexual assault and have worked for them. Ultimately, you may not be able to develop very intimate relationship with people that you would like to until the sexual assault is addressed. This would involve starting to see a therapist who would be willing to perform this type of therapy and they have some experience in doing so.
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