There are several ways to begin to move past the neglect you experienced from her. One method is to reflect and begin to talk in depth about the emotions and thoughts you experienced growing up. This is more than just acknowledging what she did. This involves really discussing specific memories about her neglecting you and how your childhood self felt during that time. You may notice that many emotions can begin to arise from talking more in-depth about these experiences. An example of what I might do in therapy is help you in identifying specific points of concern and how to change them. The idea is that your younger self likely did not take the time to completely process what she was doing at the time. Your mind is only concerned about how you can survive these difficult moments. In your case, your mind focused on shutting down and/or escaping the discomfort in relationships. Later, we can begin by identifying what is the possible fear you may have about staying with the feelings of discomfort and not avoiding them. It is important to identify these fears and examine how valid they are. For example, you stated no one deserves your presence and engagement. When I read this, I think to myself how harsh you are talking about yourself in these moments. I want to validate that this is your experience and you have been through difficult times. However, the idea that one deserves your presence and engagement is simply not valid. If we begin to approach things in a rational manner and evaluate these thoughts more often, we likely come to a conclusion that these thoughts are distorted.
Another area of focus can be on interpersonal style. There is a type of therapy that focuses heavily on how we interact with others in different relationships. I often use techniques from interpersonal processing therapy to address concerns related to how people are interacting in relationships. In the therapy process you can begin get feedback from the therapist on areas you are struggling with in relationships and performing role plays to practice new ways of interacting with others.
Now, let’s go into what to do besides therapy. I recommend that since you have the insight already that there is something wrong that you begin to challenge yourself in relationships. For example, some of my patients typically shutdown during arguments with their partner. I often challenge them that during their next argument they must continue to keep talking to their partner or at least not walk away. They may start off by doing this during one argument. Later, I continue to challenge them to do this more often. Also, I recommend using the movie metaphor. Imagine that your life is like a movie, and you are the audience watching it play out. Ask yourself, how would you like the next scene to play out? Think about how the movie is likely to play out if you try to shut down and leave. In the moments we tend to make decisions without awareness. You will need to take some moments to reflect more and think if this decision you are making in because of your mother’s influence. When you feel stuck, remember to move towards what you truly value and not towards more emotional suffering.
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