First, I want to acknowledge that this is going to be a very difficult process. Although you may have ended the romantic relationship a long time ago you still maintained some contact with him. This allows for you to still maintain some type of connection with him. In a way this is both you completely breaking up now. Thus, there is going to be many emotions that are going to come and go. It seems that right now you are feeling the intensity of the emotions. Although these emotions are painful, it is important to remind yourself that the intensity of the emotions will also pass. The feelings of anxiety and sadness are impossible to last forever. There are moments when you may even start to feel a little bit better. However, you will have to allow for these opportunities to develop. There are people that will get “stuck” after a breakup. They start to feel more sad so do not want to do as many things anymore and will spend more time at home. They forget to realize that the more time they stay at home and less active they are the more likely they will worsen. The person may begin to wonder how comes they are not getting better after the breakup. I have to remind patients that they are being caught in a depressed cycle. It is more important after the breakup to begin becoming more active especially if the person if feeling very intense emotions.
Although you describe a lot of anxiety, I can also begin to notice some possible symptoms of depression in what you are describing. One question you may have is how do you start to feel a little bit better. One method I would typically recommend is starting to become more active. In therapy we start with the process of behavioral activation. Depression saps a person’s energy to do just about anything even activities they enjoy. As a result, people with depression tend to become less active, which causes the depression to worsen. However, even a little bit of activity can help stop this cycle.
The first step is to choose activities you are likely to complete such as: exercise, walking, going for a bike ride, weightlifting, following an exercise video, practice yoga. You can also try to become more social do things such as: calling or texting a friend, organizing a group dinner, visiting family, joining a club / group. You can also engage in other responsibilities such cleaning / housework, pay bills, professional development, homework. People also like to develop hobbies such as sports, gardening, drawing, playing music, hiking, playing with a pet, cooking, personal care dress up, get a haircut, prepare a healthy meal, tend to spiritual needs. Now, you stated that you are feeling very unmotivated to do anything. The idea is that you start of small with any the tasks mentioned. It is important to remember that doing some new behavior is always going to be better than doing nothing. Use the following tips to improve consistency such as starting small, break activities into smaller pieces. You can also make a plan such as setting an alarm as a reminder or tie an activity to something you already do. For example, practice a hobby immediately after dinner every day. You can also bring a friend. Including a friend will increase your commitment and make things more fun.
In regards to your current social support, I recommend continuing to lean on your social support you have. People may not always know what to say but they can at least listen sometimes and provide some distraction. It can be helpful to say “yes” more often right now to spending time with family friends. I should emphasize engaging in social activities that are healthy as well. I usually caution people to not engage in social activities that will cause more harm such as gong to out to drink excessively etc.
In these cases, I recommend continuing to seek out therapy for yourself and talk about the emotions and thoughts that you are having about the breakup. It is important to remember that pushing away emotions and thoughts will likely only make things worse. You did well in starting to reach out for some help through the Betterhelp format.
One area to I want caution is trying to get back into the relationship. It sounds like he has set up this boundary between the both of you because being friends was not working out at least for him. Thus, it is recommended to respect that boundary even if it is causing you emotional pain. Instead of seeking him out, you can continue to seek out therapy as an outlet to talk more about what you feel.
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